When you’ve reached a certain age it becomes normal to talk about children.
You see your old friends from high school making pictures with their offspring, the sister of your friend is pregnant, distant acquaintances are having baby showers and all of a sudden people around you start asking question.
Don’t you want any children? Don’t you have the age to think about children? Don’t you believe that children make your life complete? Don’t you think you would be a good mother?
Me being a mother? I feel an error 404 appearing in my head “Page not found” I feel like kid, a teenager, a student. One that occupies herself with grades, hobbies, ambition and personal goals. Somebody who isn’t fully independent yet. Somebody who first needs to discover more of life and herself to even think about the definition “baby”. The feeling of something growing inside of me is too much to handle. I can’t digest it, it chokes me. Why would I want any children? It doesn’t fit my description, it makes me anxious.
I can’t stand the laughing faces of people when they see my fear and confusion. “Hahaha oh, your time will come!” arguments annoys the shit out of me. Like your age is a bellwether of your next step in life. Yes, I might have the age of getting children but I’m just NOT ready!
The more people talk about having children is a great next step in life the more urge I feel to fight back.
It’s my body, only I choose what happens to it and nobody else can’t pressure me to think or do otherwise.
I receive little understanding, I’m a tiny island next to a big continent of baby-loving people.
The only things I want in yet another baby discussion are earplugs and a nice cup of tea.
Maybe I will be ready in two years, maybe in 3 years, maybe I will never be ready. I can’t predict my future so please ask again in 4 years. That’s all I’m asking for. No more Eva-and-baby jokes, no more pointless discussions which can only be answered by mother feelings, which I don’t have.
It’s not funny to pile me up with little creatures that learn to walk and talk during a birthday.
Wanting to have children is something so old, natural and primal that it can’t be forced. It will naturally grow on you and not by personal arguments and frequent baby petting. Just let me be selfish for a little longer and we’ll see what happens in 2 years.